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Jokes and Joshin'

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DonH

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You are correct sir; not bad for a northerner. Looking for a three-peat this season.
This northerner has disliked Saban for a long time. I'm a Michigan fan and I remember Saban when he coached Michigan State, our cross-state rivals.

Go ahead, you can mention last year. Our offensive line was shaky (except for Taylor Lewan) and you don't want to go down and play Alabama for the first game like that. I was just hoping they didn't get hurt.
 

DonH

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One more thing about football. I don't like the SEC but what I like about you southern guys is that you understand that college football is the biggest sport. I've lived in New England for 25 years and they just don't get it here.
 

DGBAMA

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I grew up on the west coast so I am not biased. But the SEC plays a different type of football........Dominant & Physical......some don't like it....but it wins championships.
 

DonH

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I grew up on the west coast so I am not biased. But the SEC plays a different type of football........Dominant & Physical......some don't like it....but it wins championships.
Yeah, well, they have an advantage: they get to pay their players. ;)
 

Rickey60

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One day a farmer's wife was working in the kitchen and she dropped a fork on the floor. As she bent down to pick it up, her husband walked in the house and said: "Woman you have a butt the size of a combine."She continued on with her work and soon she dropped a washcloth on the floor. As she bent down to pick it up the farmer said:"No, I think your butt is the size of 2 combines."


She didn't pay any attention to him and continued on with her work.


That night the husband was trying to get a little action when the wife said: "I'm not starting up $300,000 worth of equipment for one little corn cob."
Rick
 

Rickey60

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Tequila has a way of altering one’s vision
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walked into a Bar. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!" The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?" The drunk replied,


------------------------------------ "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina."
 

madhouse

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A man went to his doctor, seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars.
The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion
therapy.

"When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it completely up your butt. Then remove it, re-wrap it, and
place it back with all the others, in such a fashion as you can't tell which one it is.
The aversion is obvious, you won't dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar."

"Thanks doc, I'll try it." And he did. But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again.

"What? My recommendation didn't work? It was supposed to be effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours is!"
answered the doctor.

"Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my addiction," replied the patient.

"What is that supposed to mean?" demanded the doctor.

"Well, I don't smoke cigars anymore, but now I can't go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my butt."
 

BarG

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If your cigar has a definite or indefinite or even a remote shit stink to it , pass it on. Heh heh, he used a guinea pig.:D
 

webmost

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As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a paupers cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didnt know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like Ive never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played Amazing Grace, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, I never seen nothin like that before and Ive been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.

Apparently, Im still lost
 

johnlee1933

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Old Friends



I got an Email from a “friend” this morning. NOTE: the quotes around friend.


LOVE


Right now 76,842 couples are kissing.


Right NOW 55,917 couples are making love.


RIGHT NOW 814,849 couples are snuggling in afterglow.

And one old fart is reading an Email!


Hang in there boobie -- Have a nice day.


This old friend will be in front of the firing squad as soon as the other guys and I stop laughing. It’s hard to shoot straight with all that noise and shaking.
 

madhouse

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A tobacco company had heard that the oldest citizen of a certain village had been smoking their product for over fifty years.
They dispatched a public-relations man to the village to interview him.

"Sir," the P.R. man said, "we are prepared to fly you to California to appear on an early morning television show to give a testimonial about our tobacco company."

"Can't do it!" replied the seasoned smoker.

"You can't do it?" asked the P.R. man. "Don't you want a free plane ticket to California?"

"Yep, I'd like to go to California, but I can't do it."

"Well, Sir," said the P.R. man, "we're prepared to put you up in one of the nicest hotels in Los angeles for at least three nights. Wouldn't that be wonderful?"

"Yep, it would be wonderful, but I can't do it!"

"Why can't you do it?" screamed the P.R. man.

"Well, young fellow," he said, "I can't fly to California and appear on that morning television show to give a testimonial about your tobacco because I don't stop coughing until noon!"


oh by the way i made some cigars a few days ago and havent been able to sleep since lol.

Bill
 

Rickey60

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A man's wife ask if he would go to the store. The husband said he would. She said good.

Could you pick a carton of milk and if they have oranges, pick up six. He said OK.
A few minutes later he came home with six cartons of milk. His wife ask why did you get six cartons of milk? The husband said because they had oranges.


Now if your a woman you'll have to read it again.
If your a man you won't have to.
 

Rickey60

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How the fight started... My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old,fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment." I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect." And then the fight started...
 
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