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Jokes and Joshin'

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Jack in NB

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#1
PECANS IN THE CEMETERY

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me...'

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!'

The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.'

When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'

The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...?

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...


They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.
 

workhorse_01

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#4
Ed the Chicken

Ed came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ed.'

Ed was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Ed was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground..

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Ed the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'

'Never,' said Ed.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming..

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard....

"Ed, wake up! Your poopin in the bed!"

Getting OLD just ain't what they said it would be! Now it's good ol jokes and joshing!
 

Seanz

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#6
Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.

Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him.
"No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them.

"
Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier, b
ut still there is complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE F#$%^&G DISHES"
 
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Jack in NB

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#9
Sent to me by a friend:

Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant. My six-year-old grandson asked if he could say grace.

As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the Food, and I would even thank you more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert. Amen!"

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"

Hearing this, my grandson burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it all wrong? Is God cross with me?"

As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.

He winked at my grandson and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."

"Really?" my grand-son asked.

"Cross my heart," the man replied.

Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little Ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."

Naturally, I bought my grandchildren ice cream at the end of the meal.

My Grandson stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember for the rest of my life.

He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman.

With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you. Shove it up your arse you grumpy old bitch!"
 

johnlee1933

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#12
Best blond joke you'll ever read!


Two sisters, one blond and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble....

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.

The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch and I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word
'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big.


She'll read it very slowly... 'com-for-da-bul.'
 

Mrs BeeKeeper

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#13
Ok, I have two for you:
My favorite blonde joke -
3 women rob a grocery store, a blonde a brunette and a redhead.
Before they make their getaway, a cop shows up.
The quick thinking brunette spied 3 large potato sacks.
"Let's hide in these!"
So they get in the bags.
The cop surveys the scene, and sees 3 suspicious shifting bags.
So he kicks the first one, and the brunette says, "Meow!"
"Oh, it's just a cat!"
Then he kicks the second one, and the redhead says, "Woof!"
"Oh, it's just a dog!"
Continuing on, he kicked the third bag and the blonde shouted:
"POTATO!"

On the same premise of being in a grocery store:
A man was wandering the aisle quietly calling "Tenderflake, tenderflake!"
The store manager saw him do this a few times and approached him, and said, "Are you looking for the shortening aisle?"
"No." the man replied, "I'm looking for my wife."
The store owner said, "Oh, you call your wife Tenderflake. That's probably because she's sweet like dessert!"
Again, the man said, "No. If I called her lard ass, she'd deck me!"
 

bosun

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#20
Janie, a blonde, had been watching all of those home improvement shows. "I can do that and pick up a few bucks" she says.
So she stops by a house, knocks on the door, and when the lady of the house answers the door "Hi, I'm Janie the handy woman. Looking around for some small jobs to do at a reasonable price. The lady looks at her at says, "OK, paint the porch. The paint is in the garage. When you are done, we'll be in back by the pool and you can collect your pay".
Two hours later, Janie is done and goes to collect.
"I'm all done. You had plenty of paint so I put on a second coat. And by the way, its not a porch, its a Lexus"!
 
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