Jokes and Joshin'

[FmGrowit]

Those are pretty funny. I'm sure most of us can relate.

 

[El Gallo]

that is f'n funny

 

[Mad Oshea]

Shop tools
A list of definitions:

DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, ****!"

SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

Son of a b*tch TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "Son of a ****" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Pete
(I wish I could take credit for writing this up but I can't)

I think that is the tool list every one has. I do. I tried to fix a loud noise on My truck one time With the same tools, I found buy turning up the radio did the same job LOL. Good post. HA HA

 

[DIY Pete]

I am always doing some project and I have become very skilled at removing my skin with a Utility knife.

Pete

 

[BarG]

Ha ha .good list of tool don'ts. WHEN WORKING OFF THE GROUND, THE TRICK TO FALLING IS DON'T.

 

[Mad Oshea]

Johnny and Jimmy wen't to vacation bible school, The Pastor wanted to show the congregation how well they did on the following Sunday.
He said, Johnny come up here young man and tell the folks where God is.
Now Johnny was but 10 years old and standing befor so many folks scared Him a bit. His hands were in His pockets and they seemed to be getting deeper and deeper.
The pastor asked again, Johnny Where is God?
Now even his forarms were down in His pockets and His face filled with fear with every one watching Him for the answer, but He said nothing.
With flusteration the Pastor slaped the pulpit with His hand and loudly said" JOHNNY!! WHERE IS GOD!!"
Johnny ran down between the pews and grabed Jimmy by the hand and they ran out of the church- Half way down the side walk He looked back to see if they were beeing chased. No one was back there and Jimmy said; Johnny what is the matter??
Johnny said;



" GOD IS MISSING! AND THEY THINK WE HAVE HIM"!!!!

 

[FmGrowit]

One of my favorites

 

[FmGrowit]

The new math

 

[DGBAMA]

Saw this at a gas station while traveling. A modern twist on the old "no shirt, no shoes, no service."

 

[Mad Oshea]

It is funny, but true. It is illeagal to wear Your pants below the waist in FL. I think it should be every where along with the "use one hand to hold em up trick". Mad-

 

[Jack in NB]

Which leads into another story: a prominent local contractor in business from the thirties was reputed to hire no one who wore a belt or rolled cigarettes. His reasoning - both took employee time to hitch up the pants or roll the ciggies - time for which he was paying to swing an axe or hammer.

 

[Knucklehead]

It is funny, but true. It is illeagal to wear Your pants below the waist in FL. I think it should be every where along with the "use one hand to hold em up trick". Mad-

Dang Mad, that would mess up my favorite episodes of "Cops". Dudes trying to run away from the cops, then get caught when their hip hop pants hop down to their ankles and trip them up. Man, that's some funny stuff.

 

[Gdaddy]

It is funny, but true. It is illeagal to wear Your pants below the waist in FL. I think it should be every where along with the "use one hand to hold em up trick". Mad-

How about beautiful women?

 

[BarG]

PECANS IN THE CEMETERY

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me...'

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!'

The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.'

When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'

The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...?

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...


They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.

Hey Jack, Thats twice we heard that one. You need to dig deeper Bud. Its still great the second time around.

I'm a digging and I can't think of one . My dog ate my home work and shit all the answers out mushed.

 

[FmGrowit]

...

 

[Jack in NB]

Hear about the horticulturist who heard that frost was forecast one
night?

He bought a gross of condoms to put over his 144 plants, but the
gross turned out to be one short, so one of the little plants died.

He complained to his druggist about the shortage.

The druggist apologized, saying, "I hope it didn't ruin your weekend."




Do you suppose they lived in Texas?

 

[Gmac]

In The News:


Nancy Pelosi is suing a Washington Hospital. She says: "The surgery they did on her husband caused him to lose all interest in sex." The Doctor a witness for the defense pipes in and says; "I can't understand why. All we did was a Cataract Surgery.

 

[Cigar]

Oh wow about ask wife .....you mention "NP from

CA" thank you!!

 

[Ben Brand]

Oops, someone didn't understood the architecs drawings!!!

 

[ArizonaDave]

Why did the Tomato blush? Well, he saw Mr. Green pea....